My Very Own Cliff's Notes

Did you know you don't actually have to write your own sermons? Seriously, there's way more time for video games if you just look online for them, call it Pastor's Cliff's Notes. Disclaimer: For those that do not know my humor, this is a joke, 2 years and a month and a half minus trips away equals 96 original sermons preached in Haines Alaska. 96 and counting, just don't ask me how many were good. However, I do want to tell you about my REAL Cliff's Notes.

It only took eight years, but a wall has tumbled, Goliath has fallen, the creepy Avatar tree of life with its interconnected DSL cable roots has been uprooted (seriously I have the sequel written in my head, the blue people become so connected to their planet and the voices and souls in it that they no longer have to plug in their hair to animals or the ground, they become "wireless" wi-fi hot spots) and the Cinderella man has become victorious once again.What the heck do you think I'm talking about? Cinderella man could be me referring to some kind of makeover. But, I have no ball to go to, no evil stepmother (the closest thing is a very loving step grandmother), I don't wear rags on a daily basis (my wife won't let me) and oh yeah I don't have a fairy godmother or a true love to find, and glass slippers would reveal my hobbit feet and who wants that? Seriously, I do the world a favor by keeping those things covered. In the words of Mr. Monk, you'll thank me later. However, I wouldn't mind a pumpkin carriage, especially as we're going on week three of a malfunctioning jeep.

No, in referring to Cinderella man I'm talking about the history I know of the loser boxer rising up to unexpectedly become the winner, the champ. Did you know he looked like Russel Crowe? Okay I don't know the history, just the movie based on a true story. If only this victory wasn't so trivial to everybody else, but I'm dancing in the kitchen as I gaze at the refrigerator. This is not about food by the way, but about something on the fridge.

I met my wife eleven years ago when my family moved to Ketchikan Alaska. Her parents were stationed nearby, which in Southeast Alaska terms meant they lived 9 hours away by ferry boat in Petersburg Alaska. When I saw her I knew I wanted to know her. We became acquaintances, and stayed that way for a year, dated for a year, were engaged for a year and have been married for eight. By my count that makes 43 opportunities to give gifts to the love of my life (with birthdays, Christmases and anniversaries and a wedding and Valentine's Days). Each opportunity has been hard. For eleven years she hasn't told me what she wants, in fact she's never even given me a clue.

She laughs at me because when she asks me what I would like for a gift, I tell her, and pretty easily. She says it leaves little to the imagination. When I ask her, all she ever says is something like, "Something nice." "Something special." "Surprise me." "Something different." or my personal favorite, "Something from your heart." I have had such a hard time trying to find special things to give her that I have thought it might be easier to truly give her something from my heart and have tried to think about which ventricle or atrium to give her, or maybe even do the Angelina Billy Bob thing and give her a vial of my blood, it passed through my heart at some point so must be from the heart too right?

Needless to say the gifts I've given her haven't always been great. When I worked at Waldenbooks, she got books (I got an employee discount, not my proudest moment). When I ran the housewares department at Fred Meyer, she was given cool kitchen gadgets in her stocking (I kid you not) one magical Christmas. For the past few years, though I've found a groove that works. Her birthday is right around the time that many of our TV shows are released on DVD, so lately she's been getting seasons of Bones or House or Ghost Whisperer or Lost. While she likes them, its been very predictable. Plus, I don't think she always appreciates it when I say "Don't watch them without me." I say it jokingly, but she knows as well as I do that there's quite a bit of truth in that statement. I'm happy to inform you though I've gotten over it.

She has received some really great gifts though. On her first Mother's Day she got a beautiful blue necklace with a mother and son on it with a special engraving on the back. Last year at Christmas our son and I gave her a memory book we made of all the special memories he has with her. She cried, which at first made me concerned she might hate it, you can't really tell with tears most of the time. There have been more too, I just can't remember them.

Around this time each year, I start to worry about what to get my wife as her birthday is around the corner and not too long after that is Christmas. I fully believe that a gift every year should top the gift of the previous year. I have been doing a lot of browsing online in search of some great gifts that don't don't get inserted into a DVD player.

But yesterday, the worrying ceased. As I dragged myself out of bed to take care of our son who by the way decided not just to wake us up by crawling into our bed, but to bring his Buzz and Woody talking toys with him so the three of them could have a conversation, I did my normal routine. I rolled out of bed, laid on the floor crying and asking why I had to have morning kids, asked for Mary Poppins to appear out of nowhere, realized she's not coming (guess who's not getting a holiday bonus this year), dramatically dragged myself off the floor and headed to the kitchen to get him some milk.As I opened the fridge I noticed a pink piece of paper on the door. I figured it was a note saying "Please empty the trash" "I know its early and you're just getting up, but please don't walk around the house in your underwear." "Goldfish crackers are not a breakfast food for our son." or other statements of instruction. But at further notice I realized it was the thing I've been waiting eight years for. It was like that moment where young Mr. McFly (or the boy who ran away from home as I called him in my youth) rushes to Doc Brown's side after seeing him get shot just to realize that his greatest wish for his friend not to die by gunshot had been granted as the scientist had reassembled the warning his friend wrote to him in the past about the future. By the way, to you awesome Lego game makers, may I suggest your next installment, after you finish the second Potter game, be Back to the Future Lego?

McFly got his wish, and I got mine. The pink piece of paper on the fridge was my wife's wish list for possible gifts in the future. It is a big list, full of possibilities, and I can tell you I'll keep it as it may make shopping for her stressless for years to come. Now, in a shameless piece of self preservation, I am going to share that list with you. I do it for two reasons. 1. You may be a family member or friend who might wish to buy her a gift for birthday or Christmas this year and are just itching for an idea. Here's your scratch. I do ask though that you communicate with me, probably not here as its not private and could ruin her surprise, what you get her so I don't get her the same thing and look stupid (because it happens entirely too often anyway). 2. Probably the largest reason, I may lose this list, this gift, my very own cliff's notes. I tend to do that a lot, and now it can be saved forever (or at least until the internet crashes forever on June 20, 2021.


Lisa's Wishes

World Peace
Global Domination
Juliet by Anne Fortier (Novel)
The Sisters Of Sinai by Janet Soskice (Novel)
Bones Season 5
House Season 6
Cricket Scrapbooking machine
Small Digital Camera
Cute Stationary
Stickers
Multi-Colored Pens
ITunes Gift Card
Gift Cards for Old Navy, American Eagle, Target, Jo-Ann's (you'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy by the way, this is me
talking and not part of her list), Amazon, and the pastor's
resource of Christian Book Distributors.
A Cute Lisa-ish ring
Necklaces
Cruise to Somewhere Exotic (However, you must also get a ticket for her husband)
Maid Service
Cookbooks
The Final Season of Lost

So there you have it, my cliff's notes, my wife's wishes. I remember thinking a few years ago that it would be more likely to see me competing in women's figure skating at the Olympics before I'd see my wife make a wish list.

BLT says......maybe I should start learning how to ice skate so I can train, miracles do happen after all. I just hope I don't have to wear those crazy skating outfits, wouldn't be very flattering.