Every time the phone rings at our home, this is the thought that enters my head. Don't answer it. Am I under the assumption that I can actually hide from the world? Not really, but as my street is unlabeled and my house unnumbered I sure could give it a shot. Do I not want to talk to people after work is over? No, what kind of pastor would say that? Do I want to stay on the couch instead of getting up, knowing that if the call is important enough the caller will call my cell phone which is in my pocket and if they call it I will be able to answer the phone with minimal physical movement? No.....okay yes, sometimes, but only because I'm tired and I work real hard during the day so I'm allowed my lazy time on Mondays.
Besides, anybody who knows me really well knows that my cell phone works much better than the house phone. The sound is better, and the buttons actually work the way they're supposed to. My wife, 8 times out of 10, somehow manages to hang up the phone when she pushes the button to answer it. I've lost hair appointments because of that. She gets so embarrassed when that happens that she won't answer it when they call back and I get the privilege of explaining to a slightly perturbed caller how my wife hung up on them. Cell phones are just easier. It should be added though, that although I think answering my cell phone in my pocket will be minimal movement and work, that's not always the case. Its a lot of work getting anything out of my pocket, there's a lot to move around.
Our last time at Disneyland (oh season passes how I miss you), my wife and I went on Space Mountain with my mom. I owed it to her to go with her since I made Disneyland such a miserable experience as a kid by chickening out on everything from Peter Pan (flying boats, unsafe), to Dumbo (flying elephants that kids control, even more ridiculous), to Storybook land (don't judge me, going in that whale's mouth is freaky), Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, and any ride with the word mountain in it. When we got to the front of the line the awesomely costumed worker told my mom and I to sit in the back row and as we talked over to the number 5 queue line, called out to somebody (perhaps Walt's frozen head who secretly still controls everything that happens at Disneyland while also uploading himself Matrix style to the other Disney parks around the world) "Heavy on 5."
That being said, it takes a lot to lift up my body, especially when its comfortable. If you thought those big military cargo planes took forever to lift off, you haven't seen me attempt to grab my cell phone when I'm sitting in my recliner with the phone in my back pocket. If I'm able to reach it fairly quickly, meaning just after it stops ringing but before the caller leaves a voice mail, I'm so proud of myself that I start singing Elphaba's (from Wicked) Defying Gravity song to myself in full falsetto. I accidentally sat on my hand once and had to roll off the recliner to get it unstuck. You really can tell your family loves you when you fall off the furniture and their first reaction (yes including my toddler son) is to point AND laugh. But even my eternal struggle to answer my cell phone before it stops ringing while hoping to maintain minimal damage to myself in the process frustrates me much less than having to get up, gently yet firmly push the answer button on phone and sound happy to say, "Hello." Especially on the three or four days before election time.
I've been saying for two years that our house phone only rings if its a telemarketer, someone looking for the previous officers and their family, or surveyors. But, nothing always happens and because I don't want to miss important phone calls I always answer. Even when I'm sick, if the phone rings my wife will politely bring it in the bedroom, hand it to me and push 'talk' (funny out of all the times she's hung up the phone, it has never happened when she brought it to me while I was sick). I think this is because telemarketers scare her and surveyors annoy her, or because she's phonophobic. We do get important phone calls, but they are extremely few and far between on our home line.
But, the past weekend, the calls came rolling in. I've had calls from former Governor Palin telling me who to vote for (and buy my new book), from Senator Murkowski saying please vote, and while you're at it why not vote for me, as well as other computer automated messages from celebrities telling me people's opinion about ballot measures in Alaska that have nothing to do with the celebrities who recorded them. Obviously if Alanis is against oil drilling in Alaska, it must be bad.
These calls drive me nuts. First, if you want to impress me, have a real person call me. When I call help lines for utilities and other services, I get so annoyed at the automated message system that sounds exactly like the one from Chuck and Larry that I just start pushing random buttons until I jam the system and get an operator. So, if I don't like calling and talking to a computer, there's no way I'm going to like a computer calling me, too impersonal and just makes me think all the more that skynet and the rise of the machines just may happen. Plus, how do I know a pre-recorded automated system is the real recorded voice of the campaigner? Without real conversation, I might be entitled to think that when I get a call from former governor Palin encouraging me to vote for her replacement, the caller could indeed be Tina Fey trying to punk me.Second, why try and convince me who or what to vote for the weekend before? I'm a registered voter, who is young enough to enjoy the privilege he has to vote. So, if I'm voting on something or someone, I'm going to research him/her/it. I made up my decision weeks ago, which can at times be hard as it really seems to be choosing the lesser of two evils, so what makes you think a somewhat personal sounding message will cause me to change my mind? Hearing a politician's voice won't change my mind, but depending on the severity of the issue, and our lack of Taco Bell here, a bean and cheese burrito with extra onions and fire sauce might sway me from one side to the other on less serious subjects. Hmmm......bean and cheese burrito.......chicken quesadilla......steak grilled stuft burrito. Pause in remembrance of things I don't have.
Sunday and yesterday the phone rang off the hook with computers telling me someone else's opinion and encouraging me to agree with them and vote for them or their side today. I kept answering, politely, and hanging up politely when the computer started talking, and today I voted for what I agree with. A phone call the day before didn't chnge my mind. Well, actually I voted for whatever side Dwayne Johnson told me to vote for when he called.......because cheesy tooth fairy or poor witch mountain remake or not......that guy can kick my butt.
I wonder though, do these phone calls really encourage people to vote and to vote certain ways, or do those being called, such as myself, see it as just another part of the politics game and in result are a bit more tempted not to vote, because it seems more like voting for the lesser of two evils instead of the right person or right decision for everybody involved? At the next election time, I think I might screen my home calls a bit more.
BLTsays.....why can't we put telepolitickers on do not call lists like telemarketers? "If you're calling about political issues, please do not call." Unless you're Tina Fey, and you can call our house anytime, as long as you don't mind the little girl scream you'll hear from me. If you do, I'll say it's my wife.
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