A Very Different Pancake

I really wish I had a king size bed.It never made sense to me why people have king size beds. Queen size is definitely big enough for two, why go larger? Then I got married. Sharing a bed can be hard to do. With my wife and I there's a continual battle over the blanket, you know, who gets more and all that jazz, and more.

I tend to believe that the amount of bed and blanket you get when sharing depends on the size of person you are. If both people are the exact same size and weight, then both are entitled to half. But, if, for some possibility the husband is bigger in size than his wife, no reason why I suggested this, then the ratio should change. For example, King of Queens has a husband twice the size of his wife. I believe then that the husband, Doug, is entitled to 66.6% of the bed and blankets and his wife, Carrie, gets the other 33.3% of said bed.

Now, as far as TV couples go, my wife and I are most comparable in size to Doug and Carrie from King of Queens, and henceforth like Doug I should have 2/3 of the bed. I hold this belief for two reasons. 1. My wife is a blanket hog, many a cold Alaskan night I've woken to the sound of my own shivering teeth with no blanket. True I could turn off the ceiling fan and close the window, therefore not letting the near freezing temperatures inside, but that's not the point. 2. We actually didn't have a problem with bed sharing until My wife and I were on special Christmas training in the San Diego area, and we were given a house to stay in with a King size bed that truly gave me the picture of what it must be like to sleep the way the Care Bears do (on a cloud that is, can you tell I have little children?). Soft and spacious was beautiful.Ever since that bed, I've kept a spare blanket on the floor next to our bed in case my wife steals the blanket from me in the middle of the night. But it hasn't solved the other problem, that one or both of us inadvertently tries to take up as much space as possible. Its like playing king of the mountain, subconsciously. I've been elbowed in the face, she's been elbowed in the face and things like that. The progression of time in our marriage I believe can be seen in the contrast of our nightly routines when first married as compared to now. Where once there were hugs and cuddles until we fell asleep, there is now "Stay on your side." Don't worry, we're okay with it.

In all seriousness though, I've had a fear ever since our glorious month of king size bed sleeping (I would have gladly commuted to the school and back two hours each way just to sleep in that bed, the one we had at school resembled uncooked Little Cesar's pizza dough (rectangle, thin, flimsy)). That fear has been that I would hog the bed so much in my sleep that one morning I would wake up to find I had steamrolled my wife, leaving a cartoonish like pancake where she once used to be. Ever had that fear?

Today was the day that fear became reality. My body likes to roll over every two hours to make sure I sleep evenly (you know like tanning), otherwise one side will be more rested than the other, making an unbalanced Mark. Very hard to walk on the ice and snow that way. So, at my 5:30 flip over time, I naturally did what I always do, and flipped over onto my other side since I'm a side sleeper. I didn't notice the resistance as I turned over, and was very quickly awakened by a blood curdling scream............from my son.

Since he started teething a few weeks ago, he's been coming into our bedroom between 4:30 and 6 and crawling into bed, on my wife's side I might add, while we're asleep. But last night, last night he thought maybe it will be better if I climb in between Mommy and Daddy, comfy and warm. Never did he expect he'd be re-enacting the end of A Fish Called Wanda or Who Framed Roger Rabbit if you prefer, where Kevin Kline and Christopher Lloyd, respectively, get run over by a steamroller.There he lay, sleeping and dreaming of Daddy (this is my story so of course I'm going to say he dreamed about me even if I think in reality he was either dreaming of Lightning McQueen, Buzz Lightyear, or Tinkerbell) and the next thing he knew the light in the bedroom (as the sun comes up early here this time of year) was eclipsed by his very own father rolling on top of him.

Eight years I've been worried about squishing my wife, and instead I squished my son. Good thing he has good lungs, I heard him right away, rolled off and tried to comfort him. Needless to say, he quickly got away from me and sought comfort from his mommy. We were planning on having pancakes for breakfast, but I vetoed that idea not wanting to traumatize our kid by reminding him of the morning his daddy almost turned him into a pancake.

BLT says........they should make bed dividers for queen size beds. For bed hogs it would make things easier and make the whole family safer.