Joey And Me

One thing you'll often hear me say, "Joey doesn't share food!!!"

Its a great line from one of my favorite shows, Friends. One of the six main characters, Joey yells it out a few times in one episode to kindly emphasize his point, don't touch my food, its mine not yours. Makes me laugh every time I hear it. Plus it is one of those lines that makes me feel better about myself. I like to think I am an unselfish person, after all my whole day is spent in giving to others (except when I shop on ITunes once every two weeks) with my starting prayer saying less of me and more of you Jesus, my first priority after being my family, and next being serving the people of Haines as the pastor at my church. In case you're wondering, my next priority is food (there must be someone out there with a similar priority list).

But, as unselfish as I am and aspire to be, there is one thing about me that is completely selfish. Like Joey, I do not in any way, shape or form like to share my food, and I never have. When my sister would ask or try to share something I was eating with her, my response normally was, sure you can reach over and have some, but is having a bite worth losing an arm? She did actually get bit a few times, I was that serious.But, now I'm 26, married eight years with two amazing children, so I must be over it right? Nope, as much as I'd like to be, I'm not. My brother is visiting us this week on his way home from Service Corps (summer missionary trip) and WYI (Salvation Army teen and young adult camp). We've been looking forward to his visit all summer, especially since he's moving to Hawaii and we won't see him for at least a year. Whenever he visits, we have a good time and it feels a bit less lonely.

All well and good that is, yesterday he absolutely drove me nuts! Is it because he waltzes around our house without a shirt much of the day and makes his belly button talk? No, I actually admire him for being comfortable enough to do that. My dream of a day at the beach is being fully clothed with shirt and shorts and New Balance Tennis shoes with socks, and when it cools down add a hoody and pants to it. Ahhhh...perfection. My body is mine and God's secret, well that and the doctor who gets paid to push and poke it. I want to keep it that way.

Am I annoyed because he's been chilling on the couch snacking watching movies? Or because he's taken naps in the afternoon? No, he's on vacation, and I hope to do some similar things like that on my vacation (except I'll add playing video games).

Stupidly, the only reason, and the only reason he sometimes drives me nuts is all my own fault, not his. Brother and his relatives, if you read this, don't feel bad or guilty at all, again I emphasize, this is my own little problem I have. Nothing to be upset or embarrassed about, because the embarrassment is on my end. Yesterday, when I made a bag of popcorn for myself while we played Mario Party 8, he took a handful of my popcorn! Yesterday, he ate one of my ice cream bars! Argh! Mark doesn't share food!!!!!Its silly, whenever we have guests we always say help yourselves to anything in fridge, freezer, shelves, or garbage (whatever floats your boat). Lisa means it, but I don't think I always do. When our guests eat our yummy deserts that Lisa makes, I actually find myself counting how many they eat so I make sure that as master of the house I get equal or more yummy goodness than anybody else. Whether my parents, my wife's, our brothers and sisters, anybody, I count. I understand you may be shaking your head right now, and I understand. Give me some credit though, its not easy to count gummy bears, especially when three other people are eating them.

When I mentioned to my wife that our brother was eating my ice cream bars, her response was the expected "So what? We said help yourself, and he feels comfortable enough to. That's good, why is this such a problem for you?"

Why is it such a problem? I really don't know. Its not like I didn't have enough to eat, as pictures of me can prove I had well more than enough. How did my parents afford the grocery bills? But as I look back I see its always been a problem.

1. As mentioned, my sister got bit if she tried to eat my food.
2. when my mom made us popcorn, I had to have my own bowl just for me.
3. I hid my Halloween candy every year so my sister and my dad wouldn't eat it, because I liked to save it for the coming millennium I guess. I hid it so well I forgot about it until the next Halloween. I kid not, after 7 years of living in Palmer Alaska, when we moved to Ketchikan I literally had two medium sized boxes full of candy labeled "Mark's weights" and that was after dwindling it down and removing expired candy.
4. When we went to Chinese restaurants and my family ordered the family dinner, I always ordered something just for me, because I didn't want to share. This is not the cute 9 year old seeking independence, this is the selfish 17 year old refusing to share his food with his family while being willing to eat theirs.
5. When asked to share a bite of my food with my family, or with my wife, my first reaction is ALWAYS to roll my eyes.
6. When Lisa and I go to the movies, we get two popcorns because if we only get one I subconsciously race to make sure I eat the most of it. I always win.
7. The first time I went to visit my wife while we were dating, I was so strict about not sharing food that I felt bad about eating someone else's food. So, for the whole 4 day weekend, I only ate what I bought (and hid in my backpack) because I didn't want to be a hypocrite. I call it my first fast.
8. I still like to put tasty treats in places where my wife won't readily find them.
9. I made peanut butter fudge and no bake cookies for Christmas two years ago, and when Lisa's family came over and helped themselves like we asked them to, I noticed the yummy stuff disappearing.So I put on my Thanksgiving/Christmas pants (really big sweat pants) and after everybody went to bed ate all of the peanut butter and chocolate goodness in the middle of the night.

10. A few months ago we went out to eat at the Bamboo Room where I had a tasty BBQ burger and actually got fries with it. My son had the same thing, sort of. While he had the same fries I did, he wanted to eat the fries off of my plate. I was beside myself, I didn't get it, my kid was eating my fries. Doesn't he know that daddy doesn't share food. It drove me nuts so much so that I actually made sure to take one of his fries for every fry he took of mine.
11. I count my ice cream bars to make sure that I get the majority of them.
12. I want to eat my cereal in the morning standing up so my son can't take any of it out of my bowl.
13. If my wife and I both want popcorn, I still ask her to get her own bag.
14. I have always disliked potlucks because its just a massive food sharing.
15. I won't go to "family style" restaurants. My family style is everybody with their own portion and their own plate. If I go out to eat, its everyman for himself.
16. I always make sure to get my designated portion of appetizers at restaurants (not an easy task when you're eating tortilla chips by the way).I hear admitting is the first step to solving a problem, and this is a problem I have. Like Joey Tribbiani, I don't share food. I have gotten better. Tonight my wife and brother drank a bottle of Sparkling cider that's been in the fridge for over a month, and I didn't drink any or get upset that they were partaking. I don't feel the need to eat all of the pizza leftovers before everybody else does. But, there is still a long way to go, because fries, popcorn, peanut butter and ice cream are things I still don't want to share. My son sure has helped with that, because he always wants to share, and when I can't encourage him to share with mommy, the duty falls on my shoulders. And its getting easier.

Maybe you can help me out. If you come to visit, and we say "help yourself"-please do, and when I stare at you, counting the popcorn kernels you eat, say "knock it off creepy corn child, you're freaking me." I won't be offended, you'll be helping me. Until I'm completely over it though, it might be safer for you to bring your own peanut butter and ice cream. I would talk more on the subject but I see my brother getting off the couch and heading for the kitchen, ice cream bars must be safeguarded!

BLT says......"Mark doesn't share food!!" (Hey look an inclusio!! Sounds like a Harry Potter spell, its about bookend thoughts though) But I am trying to improve. In the meantime, BYOPB (bring your own peanut butter).