Side Effects

Does anybody actually read the warning labels? I think that if we did, we'd probably use some things, like medicines and sugar free candies, much less often.Now that you're mind has gone wandering, I'm not going to be sharing stories of sugarless candy and the side effect of eating too many (i.e. WARNING: Too much of this product has a natural laxative effect). If you must know however, I think that's hilarious. But, I did want to share with you (yes you, you know who you are, yeah you) my experience of a truly unexpected side effect.

Some people take things for granted, like naturally smelling good. I am one of those people who has to work to maintain a pleasant aroma. A little bit of hard work goes a long way to tell people stay away if you know what I mean. I can't tell you how many times I've walked into a room and seen people's nose turn up towards me. Now I'm aware that some of this is due to my fashion sense, or lack thereof. Fashion wise, in my defense though there's only been like a span of three years where Converse All-Stars weren't popular shoes-the time period where I wore them all the time (I saw the movie Sandlot and all the kids had them). Most of the time it was because I was not a pleasing odor though, especially in school.

In sixth grade I met one of my first experiences of fatty segregation. Every student had to take P.E. classes, and the classes were boys only and girls only. Except, that for the case of the vertically challenged and exceedingly over horizontally blessed men, there was one co-ed gym class. The fatties and the hotties I called it. It was embarassing being one of 5 guys in a class of 16 girls, and our activities were a bit different than I expected. Aerobics (sans leg warmers, this was the late 90's), Volleyball, Badminton, way too much running, and some kind of gymnastic kung foo Barbie hybrid. There may have been other activities but I don't remember them (oh wait, rope climbing, which I got a negative score with).

While the things we did were a bit weird, especially aerobics, I didn't mind too much, there were cute girls in the class. Plus I figured that since I was the second skinniest (yeah it was that bad) I figured I had a chance at least at the third prettiest. All those hopes and aspirations died though one day when I heard some of the girls talking in line for the robe climbing (my nemesis). "Man these boys have pimples, they look like they have candy corn stuck all over their faces." "Not all of them." "Yeah, Mark has got a nice face." "Sure, but he smells really bad, does he ever shower?"

I quickly feigned sickness and retreated to the locker room. Of course I showered, every day in fact. I didn't shower after gym class, because that got you tormented. What was I to do? I told my dad about those girls and he had me take off my shirt and smell the pits. DANG!!! Those girls weren't mean, they were right! That was the day my dad introduced me to my friend, Mr. Deodorant/Anti-Perspirant. We have been inseparable ever since. The smell was gone, there went that complaint. Not to worry, it was replaced with something else once my face reached its pimple puberty.

A new brand came out a few years ago of Deodorant/Anti-Perspirant, one targeted at making the La-Days go wild!!!! Axe. I bought this stuff right away, because the commercial showed women entranced following this manly sent right to the source, and even though the gal was way out of the guy's league, he got the girl because of his ultra manly irresistable sent.

I bought this not to attract women, I was already married. But I wanted her to like my smell, and I wanted to break the stereotype of stinky big dude by being sweet smelling big dude. However, I need to tell you, that although this stuff says it drives women wild, the side effects I've seen are actually quite different.

One unmentioned side effect of my AXE is that mosquitoes and other biting insects go ga-ga over me. That's right, they eat me alive when I wear it, and where I live in the Spring and Early Summer, that's a lot of bugs to eat you. There have been times where I've felt like the dude from Indy 4 covered in bugs because of how badly they bite me. Yet, I still wear it because I like to smell good.The scariest side effect has actually been how members of the same sex reacted to it. When I went to visit my in-laws once with my wife on vacation, I had some scary encounters because of this stuff. I woke up one morning, after my wife for once, and took my shower (which was a treat because at our apartment the water didn't stay hot for long. I put on my man sent, which I think is awesome by the way and walked out into the kitchen. Just a few minutes later my brother in law walked up the stairs, repeatedly sniffing the air like a basset hound sniffs the ground. He sniffed all over the kitchen, in the fridge, the living room, the bathroom, and into the dining room where he inevitably stop sniffing at my neckline and said, "Wow you smell REAL good, what is that you're wearing?"

Gross, its supposed to drive women wild, not drive my own brother to me the way the smell of freshly baked cookies drives me to the kitchen. What is wrong with that? No ladies have ever said anything, yet my relative chased my sent up the stairs just to find me. I wish this was the end, but I've had the statement repeated to me several times. "You smell really good." And each time the speaker was one of my fellow males.

Today, though was the worst. At our monthly food bank as I was doing paperwork with clients, 7 men decided to tell me how good I smell. Maybe I'm not using this stuff right? Maybe I bought the wrong one? Maybe I should switch to Old Spice, do you ever hear anybody say, "Oh, Old Spice, that I can't resist."

However I'm torn, because I like my smell too. Strange side effect isn't it? Next time you see me, if I smell like Old Spice you'll know why. And, if I smell great, and you're my fellow brother in Christ, we're good, you don't have to tell me, it might scare me.

BLT says..........beware of the side effects, written or unwritten.