Call Me Paranoid......But.....

Call me paranoid, but if people really are out to get you, is it really paranoia?

First off, my sincerest apologies for not writing for a little while. I know you don't actually care too much since I'm more than likely wasting your time by asking you to read this and you've been thinking since Saturday, "Wow, I have an extra 10-30(depending on how fast you read, I'm a slow reader) minutes today, I wonder why." I was having an argument with blogspot over what my password was and obviously they won because I couldn't log in until now, boy do I dislike being wrong. I have a password question to help me remember but I forgot the answer (which is what you get for putting a very hard Star Wars question as your remember password prompt, I stumped myself) until tonight. Even if I had my password, I've been going to bed early this week because people are out to get me and I figure an early bed time will keep my sanity. When I say early, I mean early. Last night as we went to bed, Lisa asked, "How old are we?" To which I answered (the way I always do) "Well, you're almost 27 and I'm 26 and 3/4." Her response being "Just wondering, because our bed time makes me think we're either 3 or 86." I guess we can't call ourselves party animals when we go to bed before 10.Long story, short, I'm back and apparently I'm paranoid. I love watching those movies and shows about people with crazy ideas and fears and conspiracies. X-Files, Enemy of the State, Conspiracy Theory, I Robot, there's like a million more but those one top my list and are easy to think about off the top of my exhausted head. Just so I make it clear, I love the shows, which are fiction and I do not obsess myself with whether or not the myths or conspiracies are true. That being said, they are fun to watch people who think the world is out to get them.

But this week I would have to say I must include myself in the list of the truly paranoid. I fully believe my two children are out to get me. They are ganging up on me in an attempt to make me lose my sanity. Sorry small pause while I reflect on the delicious rhubarb/raspberry pie Ala mode I just ate an hour ago. Oh memories of food, they make the dining experience last longer. Back to my insanity, my kids are out to get me.

My son is going through his night terror phase, which is coupled with his I want mommy phase. We have a great relationship, my son and I, he's my special little guy and he's taught me more than he'll ever know. But lately, if I look at him and smile, approach him with fingers outstretched in the tickle position (using my awesome Wicked Witch of the West voice that he used to love) saying I'll get you and your little dog too, if I try to hug him, if I try to put him down for a nap or take him from his mommy for whatever reason, if I step in between him and his mother in any way, he starts to scream. Its a high pitched scream, and I've lost frequencies in my ears now, I mean I may never hear a bell ringing again.His mommy sleeps in on Saturdays, its her day. Most days we all get up together, one big half happy/half "give me coffee" family. The kids love it, and we survive. But on Saturdays my wife sleeps when we get off, and my son hates it. If he's up, he wants his mommy up. He knows how to open doors now, so he goes in and climbs up on the bed, crawls in with his mom, pats her on the back and whispers, "Mama, no dada. Mamma, dada no." If that doesn't get her the hint, him grabbing her glasses case off the bed stand, opening it and trying to shove her glasses on her face is pretty hard to ignore.

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard "no dada, dada bye bye, dada no no no no" over the past few weeks. It's like watching Family Matters and listening to Urkel's voice over and over again, it hurts, tears you down to the core. I tried giving him a hug the other day, and got one of those slaps in the face that makes a single tear form and fall. If I ever had a problem with being too self concerned, too proud, the way my son is lately has fixed that. The feeling is...unique.

My daughter watches her big brother like a hawk. She's fixated on him. Lately she's been showing the meaning of the term monkey see monkey do. The past few days, when he screams at me, she follows suit. I can still make her laugh and smile, and I can't express how beautiful that is, prettier than than a sunset rainbow over a glacier on a chilly autumn night. She warms my heart. But, that is, only if her brother isn't around to show her how to really treat daddy. The two of them together, working against me, has sincerely got me paranoid. No matter what I say I can't convince my wife to lock our bedroom door at night, for my safety.

My kids have big eyes, and they stare, and lately when I see them stare, instead of these amazing, beautiful kids, I see children of the corn and wonder how they're plotting to push me down the stairs. When they wake me up in the middle of the night and I say through eyes almost entirely closed, "are you sure its time to get up, daddy's really tired?" they both give me the biggest smile. The smile they give says to me, "Oh we know you're tired and need more sleep, our plan is to take it away from you, and its working." Then I hear, probably in my imagination, the laugh that Bowser growls whenever Mario gets killed in the Mario games. They really are out to get me, by killing my self confidence and removing my beauty sleep (and let me tell you, a guy like me needs a lot, I can't just "put on" my fresh face every morning). I love my children more than anything, but right now, they scare me. I share this with you so that in case I "accidentally" fall down the stairs or leave the house without any clothes due to exhaustion-you can call my wife and say "He told you so."

Disclaimer: While my children really are going through an anti-daddy phase, I do not really believe they are out to get me. I can't help but wonder sometimes.

BLT says.....if they really are out to get you, its not being paranoid, its called being realistic. Mulder was right, Will Smith was right, so can I. The truth is out there.