I Do Declare......

What if I could witness history? What if I could change history?

My dad gave me a book while I was on vacation that asks that question. From page one, I have been hooked on King's 11/22/63, about a man who travels through a wormhole in the basement of a local diner that transports him to 1958. Quickly, this man is set on a mission to stop what he sees as the most tragic even in the early 60's, the 1963 assasination of JFK.

Along the way, the main character doesn't just focus on stopping Oswald's heinous act, but makes a few side trips to correct other, minor wrongs in history. Seriouslu, think Back to the Future meets Quantum Leap. It is awesome, and makes me think what it would be like to witness history firsthand. The moon landing, V-J and V-E Day, the Beatles first American concert, the premiere of Star Wars.

If there's one thing I would like to witness, and one person I would like to talk to, it would be FDR and his address to Congress after the bombing of Pearl Harbor. What thoughts went through his mind, what feelings he had when he asked Congress to declare war. The pain of being attacked, of wondering if he could have prevented the disaster, of feeling like he failed to protect those families had to be overwhelming. Then, to add to it, the thought, "What should I do now? This was an act of war, where do I go from here? Can we fight back, what are the risks, do we have the resources for a fight like this? Will others fight with us, or will we be alone?"

I would love to ask FDR what went through his mind. Declaring war is no easy task, even if war was declared on you first. There are insurmountable risks and no certainty of victory.

I guess I've been wondering about that a lot lately. What it takess to declare war. I've been wondering that because the last year has seen me and my family facing numerous attacks and declarations of war from the master of evil as we've been at work in our current appointment.

God has amazing plans for The Salvation Army's ministry in this area. Its quite humbling to be a part of His plans. But, as God's plans are to reach out to those in need of a Savior, saving one life at a time from the sin that separates them from God; the devil doesn't like it. So, the evil one has declared war, a very personal, mean and vicious war on myself and my family in an attempt to prevent us from the mission we have committed our lives to.

His attacks have, simply said, at times been devastating. A month ago, I wasn't sure what to do, how to proceed, how to make it stop. Through huge amounts of prayer, and sharing with my friends and loved ones what has been going on, I have realized something; I can't make it stop. If I give up, the fight resets with someone else, the cycle begins again, and the devil wins. I can't ignore it, it won't go away. So, what must I do?

I have the armor of God, I have the Holy Spirit, I have God the Father, I have my salvation from Jesus - I have the promise of victory. What do I do? I say, its time to declare my war on the forces of evil. I fight! Unlike FDR, I don't have to worry if the risks are worth the fight, they are. I don't have to worry if I can survive this fight, with God I can. I don't have to worry if I can really fight back, through Christ I can. I don't have to worry if I will fight this fight alone. I don't have to worry if this is a war I can win, because if I claim victory in the name of God, the victory is already assured!

In the days ahead, I vow to take this war to the next level. I do this through faith, devotion, study, trust and numerous hours of prayer. I do this in the power of the Holy Spirit. I'm asking you, whomever you are, to fight with me. Pray for me and this fight, for the Corps God has called me to lead in His name. Pray for the lost. Pray for the victory we claim in this Mat-Su Valley and which is already won in the name of God!

BLT says.......when the devil declares war on you, declare war on him.

Ready For My Burton Close-Up

Interior Monologue: "If I lay here nice and quiet and still, maybe my wife and son won't notice I'm awake. Slow....shallow breaths.....like Macaulay Culkin pretending to be dead in My Girl....nope bladder its not time to evacuate yet.....just keep sleeping, just keep sleeping, sleeping sleeping sleeping......Ihop would be nice right now, as long as they didn't mind me eating in my Batman pj pants and Ghostbusters t-shirt......I think it worked.....they have no idea you're awake too. Congratulations sir, well played, I use to be but the learner now I am the master."

Sadly Exterior Dialogue: "Mark, are you awake? It's 4 a.m. and our son is wide awake.......could you take him into the living room? Maybe if he watches Cars he'll go to sleep."

Little Voice Dialogue: "Cars!! Oh yeah I like the Cars!!! Cars!!! Peas dada, no seepy. Yeah"

Insert groan here.

Not my favorite way to start the day. Since our son had been whining and complaining and picking his mommy's nose with his toes for over an hour and the noise (both from his laughter and her telling him to stop) had woken me up completely it seemed somewhat heroic of me to do that for my wife so she could get some more sleep.

However, the feeling is gone now. 3 hours later, and my daughter is thankfully still asleep, my wife is still asleep in our warm flannel sheeted bed, using my tortilla pillows. No matter how nice the pillow is when I first buy it, the weight of my large head and of course the brain inside it, within two months that pillow is officially a tortilla. I could buy more, but not in this town, so instead I stack three of those things together while being envious of my wife and her fluffy pillow. I'm in the living room, cold of course as the temps outside are in the single digits, spending time with insomnia's best friend, T.V.

What? Where is my son you ask? Where else, asleep in my side of the bed. After 45 minutes of Cars he realized he was sleepy, can't figure out why, and while I was peeling myself an orange in the dark (Oh yeah, I have mad skills) kitchen, he snuck off with his teddy bear, blanket and sippy cup to lay in bed with mommy. When I left the kitchen I heard nothing but the sounds of Mater "Shhhhhooooooot, I'm the world's best backwards driver. Ha ha ha" and my two kids and wife, all snoring.

Its funny, that snoring, its not normal, I may be tired but I'm telling you the snoring sounds like a cacophonous nasal choir of taunting. They're laughing at me in their sleep. Oh the joys of family. No matter what I do I can't seem to drown out the snoring induced laughter coming from the two bedrooms, "Haaaaaaa ha, haaaaaaaa ha." "Ha ha haaaaa daaaaaaada." "Dada ha, dada ha, ha ha ha, dada ha."

I tried watching a new netflix, The Social Network. But, I've got to tell you, I do not see what all the hype was about. That movie is boring. I know I shouldn't have expected fast paced action from a movie about a nerd (who gives the name Mark a bad rep by the way) who creates facebook, but still its not an exact word for word action for action biography and I would have appreciated an explosion of some sort, a car chase maybe, possibly even a few fart jokes Klumps style. I can't stand those jokes, but even that is better than the few laughs the movie tried to get. I am so tired of the always predictable drug usage in every teen and young adult oriented movies. Not every young person breaks the law and delves into illegal drug use. Yet it seems like that's all people my age and younger do for fun. Its like the writer and director figured there wasn't a lot of laughs in the movie so they threw in a background shot of two girls using the biggest drug paraphernalia I've ever seen knowing that at least a few people will laugh. With really good movies last year like True Grit and The King's Speech, Inception and Toy Story 3, I really don't see why this one was so popular. Plus if I wanted to watch people arguing I'd still have cable and watch one of the dozens of terrible "reality" shows with unscripted yet still staged over the top drama. I turned it off.
I watched an episode of NCIS, and while I liked the explosion, I still couldn't get past the snoring in the background. So I grabbed the noise cancelling cordless surround sound headphones (had to buy them in seminary so I could watch movies while my wife did homework. I rarely spent more than an hour a night doing homework and she always had at least five hours of it) and started watching Tim Burton's Batman.

Now here I am at 7:15, finishing Batman Returns, knowing that any second my daughter, or my son, or my wife will wake up, rested and cheerful, sunny side up happy. There I'll be with my eyes darkened from lack of sleep in a way reminiscent of Tim Burton's favorite trademark sunken eyes on Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, struggling to smile like Christina Ricci in The Addams Family Values. Thank God for coffee. At least though, I had a chance to watch two of my favorite movies, and all before the time a sane person would normally arise from their slumber.

Here we go, the beginning of a day I've already begun. At least when they wake up, the taunting snores will stop. Coffee and Batman go well together.

BLT says.....oh the joys of family induced insomnia.

Restoring My Sight

Hello again.

Its been a while since I've written on my blog. There has been a reason for that although I'm sure not many have noticed a lack of my silly stories or adventures or my views on life. But for anybody who may want to know or may want to hear (or I guess the most proper term is "read") my thoughts I'm back to do that.

I've spent the last few months enduring one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I know I am a young(er) person from the perspective of many people but that doesn't mean what I have been going through hasn't been difficult. And it all started on vacation. My left eye has been blurry since spring of 2008 and although I had treatment for it in Los Angeles, when I moved back to Alaska the eye doctor in Juneau was shall we say less than concerned about. "It'll go away by itself, it just takes time." Two years later, with the vision not improving and the doctor not making appointments for me I figured that maybe my sight was damaged but could be corrected with glasses.

I decided to see the optometrist that treated my other eye six years ago on my vacation. I chose that doctor for a few reasons. One.....eye docs get pretty close to your face and I've had a few with nasty breath that made my stomach turn and hers was always very pleasant. Two....she has pretty eyes. I walked into her office expecting that I would be leaving with a prescription for a pair of glasses. However, I left with a referral to an opthamalogist, because the trouble in my eye was beyond her expertise.

The new doctor, who is very pleasant and kind and compassionate, after reviewing my eye and medical records, told me that my vision has been permanently compromised in my left eye and there's a chance I'll lose the sight in it altogether and have a 50/50 chance of the same thing happening to my right eye. He gave me glasses to wear, but not as corrective lenses, more like protective lenses to make sure my perfect right eye stays perfect.

This was not the news I wanted. Even with glasses, my left vision stays blurry. If I close my right eye and just use my left, I can't read or look at my kids or my wife. I quickly fell into depression accompanied by a 'woe is me' attitude and outlook. I became angry with the eye doctor in Juneau who didn't help me, and I became angry at the fact that living and serving as a pastor in a small town like Haines Alaska is a big reason why my sight is damaged. Had I been appointed somewhere else, somewhere bigger, when I look at my kids I wouldn't have to wink to see how beautiful they are.

In short I lost the joy of living a life that is abundantly blessed, in more ways than I can describe. My smile disappeared. In acting terms, I lost my motivation. I can't remember feeling more miserable than I have in the days since my first eye appointment. I didn't write on this blog because I didn't want to share funny stories, or adventures, I just wanted to be sad and alone.

What a terrible ending for a story, or it would be if that was the end. A few weeks ago I flew to Anchorage to see how the steroid treatments in my eye are working, if the headaches and pain and light sensitivity have been worth it. The cysts threatening to destroy my vision completely are either gone or drastically reduced, which was surprising to me because my vision isn't any better. That still is permanent. That wasn't good enough for me. How could God work wonders through a new medicine but not restore my sight? I shared that with Him, in my times of prayer that lately have ranged from anger to extreme desperation. I prayed and prayed for God to speak back, to answer my question.

He didn't speak. But, He rarely does things the way we ask Him to, because He's God and not us, He works in His own ways. I flew home on a Saturday morning. My first flight to Juneau was nice, it was calm and sunny and the plane was empty, nobody in the row in front of me, behind me, or next to me. After landing in Juneau I went over to the puddle jumper airlines to see if i could get a sooner flight home to be with the kids and my wife. An hour and a half later I was on an eight seater plane taking off the runway the same way I have a dozen times.

But, after takeoff, everything changed. Our pilot decided not to take us over the channel to Haines, instead flying us over Mendenhall Glacier and the mountain range behind it. I saw the amazing beauty of God's hands that morning. I stared out the window at the snow covered blue ice of the glacier, able to see the ridges and crevasses of it in ways I've never seen before, looking down cracks in the ice that may be hundred of years old. I flew between mountain peaks so close I thought I could touch them. I saw valleys with lush green trees, untouched by human hands, maintained instead by their creator's hands. I saw mountain lakes with thin layers of ice over them. I have never enjoyed flying in airplanes, if God intended people to fly, we'd all be Superman, that's what I believe. However, I know that God intended for me to fly that morning. He wanted me to see those mountains, that truly do echo gloria by the way, circle the glacier, admire the trees and gaze at the lakes. He wanted to me to see that even with an eye that doesn't see too well, I can still the wonder of His hands, the beauty of His creation. I could have seen it all along, because the mountains I flew over I can see from my living room window, I just chose not to look at them, or anything but the sadness of my heart. I prayed for God to talk to me, He answered by showing me what I should have seen all along, He answered by restoring my sight.

My vision has been impaired twice. The damage in my eye has made seeing difficult, and my attitude because of it prevented me from seeing the joy and beauty of the world, my family, friends, and the gift of my life that is evident all around all the time. I made a mistake. Instead of feeling sorry for myself I should have been thankful that the damage wasn't worse, that I found a good doctor, that I'm able to travel back and forth as needed to prevent my vision from getting worse, that I have one perfect eye with perfect vision, that I have a family and wonderful friends to support me, and so many more things. I lost focus on what was important and focused instead on myself and being sad. I refused to see beauty because one eye is damaged.

I asked the doctor this month if there was any way to be able to see perfectly again. He laughed and said "Sure there is. If your left eye doesn't get any better we'll put a new lens in your glasses that blurs it our entirely, and you'll see perfectly out of your right eye and not notice the blur in the left anymore. Until then, you could wear an eye patch, or wink." Basically, I could choose to look out of the good eye and not the left. I wonder how long I've been looking out the wrong eye. Maybe I needed to have damaged vision to remind me that there is always good to be seen, you just have to choose to look at it.

In life, I believe we have the same choices. We can choose to be miserable about the way life can be, the horror of the world around us, we can choose to be depressed and sad at how everything turns out. Or we can choose to look another way. To see the beauty of a baby's two-tooth smile, to hear the happiness of a toddler's guffaws, to see blue skies and the light of the sun. If I look out the right eye, I see life the way it is, so I need to stop looking out the left one all the time.

I've learned that joy really is an attitude, not a way you feel because everything is peachy, but sometimes its the way you decide to feel despite the lemons you feel are being thrown at you. I asked, over and over and over again to have my sight restored. God answered, by reminding to look with my good eye, to choose to see the beauty that is evident everywhere, instead of focusing on the bad. He reminded me to be joyful, and to remember that I am in His hands, He is with me and He is taking care of me. Maybe if I had spent more time praising God and less time worrying and feeling sorry for myself, the past three months would have been a lot better. It wouldn't make my eye better, but it would have made how I see the world better. I read recently Psalm 149:6 and saw it in a brand new light, "May the praise of God be on their mouths and a double-edged sword in their hands." By focusing on what God has done and is doing, my attitude would have stayed positive and true to Him, and by praising I could have fought away my "woe is me attitude." From now on, I choose to look at life from the right eye, the eye that sees God in everything, and praises Him in everything.

Whatever happens to my vision, I will not lose sight again. I won't forget to play with my son, laugh with my daughter or smile with my wife. I won't forget to share with those who read this, the beauty and wonder, the blessings of living and working for my Lord. I choose to have joy.

Blt says......through damaged vision, God restored my sight.

Searching For Something Vague (At Least In The Title, To Attempt To Interest You Into Reading To Discover What The Something Vague Is)

Most people have them, many have multiple, one is never enough, yet fifteen seems like too many.Not talking about tattoos here (bad enough I have to pay for shots which hurt, why pay for extended needle pains that contain images that will haunt me in my sixties), or piercings, or cars, or snack foods, or fleas and head lice. I'm talking about hobbies. I've been searching for years for a hobby. I've started down the path towards different hobbies, but inevitably I don't commit to it and give up. Alec Baldwin had a cool and unique hobby in 30 Rock, it was hilarious and gave me an idea, but I couldn't commit to collecting cookie jars like him as I'm more interested in what is meant to be in the cookie jar. Actually there isn't much I do commit to outside of God, family and ministry.

Hobbies I guess can range from skills, to activities and sports, and collections. There may be more, I'm no expert. My dad is a gifted brass musician who tried to pass on his gift to me. From fifth grade when I carried a 30 year old horn to school in a suitcase because we had no case, an all through high school I played the euphonium and trombone, trying my best to be a band geek. No matter how much I worked and practiced, I was never more than a mediocre player. I gave up after I finished training school when I was booted off my instrument of thirteen years to play Tuba (a great fat guy stereotype, as mentioned by Terence Howard in Mr. Holland's Opus) so that a flutist could play euphonium in my place. This is not to offend my flutist friend, who is a very dear friend, but sitting in my shoes....I was pretty depressed about it. That was the end of my band geek phase.

At our divisional congress this year I was told to play in the band with most of the Divisional Commanders (bosses) from around the western U.S. This confirmed my lost band geekiness, as I was terrible and I knew it and for some reason playing didn't excite me like it used to. There went that hobby, though I did enjoy band in seminary as it was a fun time of venting and jokes and probably some of the best fellowship I've ever experienced in a small group (plus I had and have a lot of respect for that teacher, as his actions in and outside of class were always the same). So, I truly am a reformed band geek.

I wanted to play piano, and learned a bit, but haven't committed to it and usually end up just messing around doing impressions of great players. I do these impressions so often at a keyboard that now, no joke, my son has picked up my Ray Charles impression and does it ALL THE TIME, in fact he does it at grocery stores for reasons I can only guess are to flirt with the ladies. I have a guitar and lots of accessories and keep saying I'll learn, but on my day off I'm here typing instead of stringing and learning so I guess that hasn't panned out too much, but I do hope it will.

I am currently wearing a T-shirt with the Dutch word for father on it. Impressed by my bi-lingual abilities? I just happen to know that Vader means Father so I am wearing a Star Wars T-shirt. For years I tried that as my hobby. I love the movies, watch them constantly, kick butt at Star Wars trivia games (except with questions regarding the names of the Imperial Officers, they all die anyway so who needs to remember Piett, Jerjerrod, Tarkin, Needa, Veers and Ozzel or what they like). However, Veers was also Donovan, the bad guy in The Last Crusade who ended up a skeleton who disintegrated, so I tend to remember him.

I collected all the toys throughout most of my childhood. That is until I was about fifteen or sixteen and had my own job and car and my parents said they wouldn't buy them for me any more. Turns out those darn pieces of plastic are expensive and not conducive to collecting on a limited pocketbook. I don't know how my parents afforded it, other than I think my dad may have sold his kidney on the black market while we lived in L.A. I still have them and recently tried to sell them on E-Bay with no results. So, when he's old enough to decide whether he wants to play with them or keep them until they are worth something since they are all still wrapped, my son will receive my Star Wars toys. There went that hobby.Sports! Baseball is fun, when you're swinging. But if you don't hit hard enough, you have to run, and that gets you dirty and/or causes perspiration-who wants that. Hockey is fun to watch and I think would be fun to play-but I can't skate and am terribly afraid of breaking my coccyx. Football is just plain boring to me, seriously. Football and wrestling looks like an excuse for men to hug without feeling less manly about it. Then there's soccer, where you kick a ball while running, not fun plus I feel the likelihood of getting kicked in a sport all about kicking is very rampant. Also, I'm too tall AND too short to be a good basketball player.

I do have some favorite sports teams. However this is mostly for conversation's sake because every man I know at least has a couple of favorite teams in some kind of sport. So my favorite baseball teams are the San Diego Padres because my dad's family is from San Diego and I just happen to love San Diego and the Seattle Mariners because Seattle is the closest city to my home (Alaska) to have a baseball team. My favorite hockey teams are the Ducks because I love the color orange and I like Disney and have always loved the Mighty Ducks movies and think that the hockey team was a great way of doing some not so subtle advertising (I'm surprised there weren't any hidden mickeys in the arena like at Disneyland) and the Canucks because like Seattle, Vancouver is the closest city to my home to have a professional hockey team (the Aces don't count, no matter what you say). I do like the Sharks too because they have a cool logo and cool color combinations. Obviously, sports are not me.

Movies are a pretty good hobby I have. There are many movie references in my every day lingo, in Haines it confuses people a lot but hey its who I am. I could spend all day watching movies, but over the past few years when I do that I feel as if I lost a day just to watch Alicia Silverstone mispronounce Haitian and face off against Mystery Inc and kick box with Uma Thurman and creep me out by stalking Mr. Robin Hood men in tights himself. Seriously, if you're snowed in, you might want to try doing a movie marathon of watching all the movies you have with a certain actor in it. But if you do a Paul Rudd marathon you have to devote a couple of days because that guy is in a lot of movies. So, I've laid off a bit. Well, as much as I can considering that we don't have cable at our house.

I love video games. The Nintendo Wii has provided me with ample new gaming experiences since I bought it. I can play guitar with Aerosmith or battle with a guitar player Rage Against the Machine whom I don't know. I can swing a wand with the best of them while saying expelliarmus even if the game can't hear me. But my real love is for the lego games. Lego Batman, Lego Star Wars, Lego Indy, and the top of my Christmas wish list, Lego Harry Potter. I've been playing Lego Batman almost exclusively for a year and a half now. I think during vacation I will be able to finish the game completely, because I just have to see the progress bar say 100% completed. Then I will obsessively move on to Indy. But, I can only play for a few hours at a time as I find myself aging because apparently I don't blink and my eyes get super red and painful making it hard for me to sleep. I'm hoping to play tonight when the kids are asleep so I'm writing now, since I haven't played video games for about three weeks. With long spurts of time without playing, I don't think I can call myself a true video game hobbyist.

I started a lightsaber collection, but I had to stop because its expensive and what the heck am I going to do with a bunch of plastic swords that light up and say buzz. I did use them as flashlights in seminary to light my path and also enable me to pretend to be a jedi as I battled away the raccoons.

Though, now, I think I have found my hobby. It is a collecting hobby. I collect creative Potato Heads. It started with Darth Tater, and went down on to Luke Frywalker, Princess Tater, Yam Solo, R2 Pota-two, Darth Spud, Spuda Fett, Spud Trooper, Indiana Spud, Spida Spud, Optimash Prime and Bumble Spud. It is an extensive and cool collection and I care very deeply about it. Three of them are in my office at work and the others adorn the mantle place in our house (you know where most people keep expensive stuff). I never realized how important they were to me, or that they were truly my hobby until today when my wife dusted them and I wanted to be right behind her making sure that she didn't knock them over or move their limbs while she took the thin layer of dust off of them. It may seem a little bit obsessive, but hey at least I have a hobby now.

BLT says.......So many people collect stamps or baseball cards or coins, hobbies should be more unique. I mean, do you know anybody else who collects plastic potatoes?

A New Morning Buzz

What in the world caused the coffee addiction? Anybody who knows me has been aware of my distaste for the drink. It's bitter! It's basically drinking dirt (can you believe Starbucks makes all that money from selling grounded dirt) and that's what it tastes like unless you put it a lot of creamer, even more sugar, and a good pile of whip cream.

Yet for a month I drank 2 cups every morning, and usually another two at some point during the day. After 26 years of no coffee, that was a lot of coffee all at once in a very short amount of time. There were days when I wasn't able to sit still like when George of the Jungle eats a mound of it in the movie of his namesake.My son thought it hilarious because his daddy was acting like him with constant movement (although his short attention span is apparently natural for a toddler) and my wife thought that I was jumpy and was concerned she may have to try and exorcise me.

Then one day I ran out of cool whip and creamer and tried the dark stuff without any taste alterations other than sugar, and yuck. I realized it was time to put it away and leave it alone, that I was more than likely only drinking it to satisfy my strange craving for cool whip (2 containers a week, no kidding). Guess what happened? I could sit still, the world slowed down, and I could no longer actually hear my heart beating faster than the beat in a Relient K song.However, since my kids still prevent my wife and I from getting a full night's sleep, I've been looking for a tasty way to get my morning buzz, my caffeine jump start so I can be alive, awake, alert and partially enthusiastic. I feel I have to have that buzz otherwise when people see me the first thing they say is "Are you alright, you don't look well?" Don't you love it when people point out to you what you already know? I have a mirror, and I use it every now and then (like when my hair gets slightly lengthy, as in I need to use a comb and a mirror to maintain my partially good looking somewhat manly physique), I know what I look like.

So I went to my old fall back. Tea. I embraced my British background and tried some Earl Grey with some lemon and a bit of sugar. Not sure if Gram drank it but if she didn't, Jean Luc Picard did and he was quite a successful captain of the star ship Enterprise in a much better Star Trek show than its predecessor. But, for some reason it didn't make much sense to replace drinking grounded dirt water with dirt and leaves flavored water. Had to put an x on that idea, I have principles after all and tea doesn't taste that great without flavor additives either.

I dislike orange juice, I can't afford energy drinks and I don't think my heart could survive prolonged exposure to them anyway. I had a friend in school who drank probably three or more Monster drinks a day. Every now and then he passed one on to me in the morning and I would drink it and have insomnia which forced me to turn the TV up louder to drown out the crazy caffeine induced voices in my head. That only lasted until the TV woke up my wife who was confused why I'd be watching the Back to the Future trilogy all night long on a school night and after explaining the evil energy drink would compassionately say "Turn down the TV, I didn't drink it so I shouldn't get punished for it." Inevitably the voices came back when the TV was turned down, so at least I wasn't lonely.

So that leaves milk or water or crystal light to help me get motivated to get up and at 'em each morning. I know I should drink water, and I do every day with the multi-vitamins my wife MAKES me take. Seriously, I don't see the need for swallowing fish oil, no matter what people say. But, really, I don't really like to drink water, I compare it to eating a plain burger with no cheese or anything else in or on it, it just plain and boring and tasteless. Milk I use with my daily cereal and crystal light is also really expensive and doesn't taste good hot. Then there's cocoa, which is best prepared with marshmallows and whip cream, and I'm avoiding whip cream as I've heard the best way to break an addiction is to avoid it. So no cocoa.

Basically, I haven't found a way to get my morning buzz. I've been telling my wife about it and about my need for one and my attempts to locate one, and I asked her for help. Lately we've both been racking our brains for an answer, because buzzes are a necessity until our kids go to bed on time and always sleep through the night waking up after six in the morning.

I think my son heard me mention my need for a new morning buzz to get going. As he often does, my son came in this morning to crawl into bed and tell us that he's awake and he would kindly like it if we would get up with him. But this morning he did something a bit unusual. Instead of bringing his blanky and teddy in with him and waking up with a teddy bear being shoved in my face with my son asking me to kiss it I awoke to a different sound. "Halt, I order you to halt! I have a laser and I will use it, whirr whirr (that's a laser sound)! Silence agent of Zurg!" My son traded in his cute and quiet teddy bear for his talking, loud plastic Buzz Lightyear doll and was making him talk to me to get me to wake up. Not much makes get up and out of bed faster than Buzz and Woody talking loudly to each other at 6:15in the morning while Buzz pokes me like the Pillsbury Dough Boy and Woody keeps probing my nose. Good news is, I think I've found my new morning Buzz. The downside.....plastic fingers shoved up my nose isn't all that pleasant.BLT says......apparently you can get a good morning buzz without drinking dirt or eating copious amounts of cool whip........but do you want to?

Call Me Paranoid......But.....

Call me paranoid, but if people really are out to get you, is it really paranoia?

First off, my sincerest apologies for not writing for a little while. I know you don't actually care too much since I'm more than likely wasting your time by asking you to read this and you've been thinking since Saturday, "Wow, I have an extra 10-30(depending on how fast you read, I'm a slow reader) minutes today, I wonder why." I was having an argument with blogspot over what my password was and obviously they won because I couldn't log in until now, boy do I dislike being wrong. I have a password question to help me remember but I forgot the answer (which is what you get for putting a very hard Star Wars question as your remember password prompt, I stumped myself) until tonight. Even if I had my password, I've been going to bed early this week because people are out to get me and I figure an early bed time will keep my sanity. When I say early, I mean early. Last night as we went to bed, Lisa asked, "How old are we?" To which I answered (the way I always do) "Well, you're almost 27 and I'm 26 and 3/4." Her response being "Just wondering, because our bed time makes me think we're either 3 or 86." I guess we can't call ourselves party animals when we go to bed before 10.Long story, short, I'm back and apparently I'm paranoid. I love watching those movies and shows about people with crazy ideas and fears and conspiracies. X-Files, Enemy of the State, Conspiracy Theory, I Robot, there's like a million more but those one top my list and are easy to think about off the top of my exhausted head. Just so I make it clear, I love the shows, which are fiction and I do not obsess myself with whether or not the myths or conspiracies are true. That being said, they are fun to watch people who think the world is out to get them.

But this week I would have to say I must include myself in the list of the truly paranoid. I fully believe my two children are out to get me. They are ganging up on me in an attempt to make me lose my sanity. Sorry small pause while I reflect on the delicious rhubarb/raspberry pie Ala mode I just ate an hour ago. Oh memories of food, they make the dining experience last longer. Back to my insanity, my kids are out to get me.

My son is going through his night terror phase, which is coupled with his I want mommy phase. We have a great relationship, my son and I, he's my special little guy and he's taught me more than he'll ever know. But lately, if I look at him and smile, approach him with fingers outstretched in the tickle position (using my awesome Wicked Witch of the West voice that he used to love) saying I'll get you and your little dog too, if I try to hug him, if I try to put him down for a nap or take him from his mommy for whatever reason, if I step in between him and his mother in any way, he starts to scream. Its a high pitched scream, and I've lost frequencies in my ears now, I mean I may never hear a bell ringing again.His mommy sleeps in on Saturdays, its her day. Most days we all get up together, one big half happy/half "give me coffee" family. The kids love it, and we survive. But on Saturdays my wife sleeps when we get off, and my son hates it. If he's up, he wants his mommy up. He knows how to open doors now, so he goes in and climbs up on the bed, crawls in with his mom, pats her on the back and whispers, "Mama, no dada. Mamma, dada no." If that doesn't get her the hint, him grabbing her glasses case off the bed stand, opening it and trying to shove her glasses on her face is pretty hard to ignore.

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard "no dada, dada bye bye, dada no no no no" over the past few weeks. It's like watching Family Matters and listening to Urkel's voice over and over again, it hurts, tears you down to the core. I tried giving him a hug the other day, and got one of those slaps in the face that makes a single tear form and fall. If I ever had a problem with being too self concerned, too proud, the way my son is lately has fixed that. The feeling is...unique.

My daughter watches her big brother like a hawk. She's fixated on him. Lately she's been showing the meaning of the term monkey see monkey do. The past few days, when he screams at me, she follows suit. I can still make her laugh and smile, and I can't express how beautiful that is, prettier than than a sunset rainbow over a glacier on a chilly autumn night. She warms my heart. But, that is, only if her brother isn't around to show her how to really treat daddy. The two of them together, working against me, has sincerely got me paranoid. No matter what I say I can't convince my wife to lock our bedroom door at night, for my safety.

My kids have big eyes, and they stare, and lately when I see them stare, instead of these amazing, beautiful kids, I see children of the corn and wonder how they're plotting to push me down the stairs. When they wake me up in the middle of the night and I say through eyes almost entirely closed, "are you sure its time to get up, daddy's really tired?" they both give me the biggest smile. The smile they give says to me, "Oh we know you're tired and need more sleep, our plan is to take it away from you, and its working." Then I hear, probably in my imagination, the laugh that Bowser growls whenever Mario gets killed in the Mario games. They really are out to get me, by killing my self confidence and removing my beauty sleep (and let me tell you, a guy like me needs a lot, I can't just "put on" my fresh face every morning). I love my children more than anything, but right now, they scare me. I share this with you so that in case I "accidentally" fall down the stairs or leave the house without any clothes due to exhaustion-you can call my wife and say "He told you so."

Disclaimer: While my children really are going through an anti-daddy phase, I do not really believe they are out to get me. I can't help but wonder sometimes.

BLT says.....if they really are out to get you, its not being paranoid, its called being realistic. Mulder was right, Will Smith was right, so can I. The truth is out there.

Little Einstein

Parents love to tell you how awesome their kids are. His daughter might be the next Sara Hughes (olympic figure skater, I used her name because I here Michelle Kwan WAY too often). Her son could be the next Jim Carrey or Shia LeBeouf is you're of the younger generation.

Its funny the things we think we can compare our kids to, especially when they're really young. My son is very smart. He's mischievous, he knows how to play his parents, we can see him thinking. We told one of family members how smart we've seen him being and I remember this loved saying, "Wow, he could be the next Einstein."

I thought it neat someone thought so highly of my son's intelligence as to compare him to Professor Einstein. I would write more about this but, as I will write tomorrow, my kids are out to get me and I was up very late last night and I need to get some sleep for church tomorrow. So, I will keep this very short.

The comparison to Einstein made me laugh today as we were preparing my son for bed tonight. One of the aspects of his nightly routine is a good layer of lotion on his skin. I am not good at it and so my wife has taken that part of the night time procedure from me. But I was in the room tonight and saw, as my wife lotioned our son, that he was lifting up his leg towards his head.

At first I thought he was trying to aim his, ahem, "squirt gun" at his mommy, but I soon was proven wrong. He pulled his leg up towards his head and proceeded to lick the lotion off of his leg the way I lick baked beans and spaghetti sauce off of my plate (meaning leaving no traces of the food on my plate whatsoever), I have no shame. There are kids that eat lotion, other kids that eat food off the floor (that was me). But, my kid, he is a conosiuer of body lotion.

BLTsays.......maybe the Einstein comparisons were a bit too early. However, there is a picture of the professor sticking out his tongue, maybe he was trying to lick his leg too?